Monday, April 8, 2013

Things I Never Noticed Before... Jurassic Park 3-D

Last Friday I got the chance to see Jurassic Park in the theatres for the first time since I was 7-years-old. This is one of my all-time favourites, the first movie I ever saw twice in the theatre (the second time it's because I didn't want to see Spielberg's other movie, Schindler's List). I've seen it countless times on VHS and DVD since, and over the years noticed some pretty ridiculous faults (like the giant cliff that appears in the T-Rex pen EXACTLY where the T-Rex stepped out, or the questionable paleontology going on at the beginning of the movie), but seeing it on the big screen after two decades brought some other strange things to light.

Nothing I'm going to list detracts from my own enjoyment of the film. It's still awesome.

These People Have No Fucking Idea How to Transport Dangerous Animals

The iconic opening scene of the raptor killing some hapless worker seemed a little too strange this time around. I suddenly realized how strange it was for fifty-odd people to be standing around with rifles and cattle-prods. It seemed a little over-kill, especially for an animal which really couldn't be much more dangerous than a jungle cat. Then I thought, wait a fucking minute: WHY DIDN'T THEY TRANQUILIZE IT???

Even the remarkably stupid character in The Hangover realize a carnivorous animal should be put to sleep before they try to put it in their car.

No wonder Hammond is being sued. He forgot to take the most basic precaution when transporting a dangerous animal.

And where did those 50 guys with guns go when they lost the power and the dinosaurs started eating everyone, hm????

An Electronic Egg Turner???

Okay, I know Hammond spared no expense (except when it came to Nedry's paycheck), but there were a couple places where he could have spared some fucking expense. Why in god's name is there an electronic egg turner??? Especially when it's clearly being puppetteered by a scientist, otherwise how else did it know to take the egg from Dr. Grant? I've actually done a little reasearch on how eggs are incubated in a real-life lab. Turns out they just put them in a sort of oven thing with panels that see-saw back and forth, so that there's no need to turn the eggs. The thing people use in the real world is so simple that it boggles the mind why these scientists would need to spend thousands of dollars on a cybernetic arm to gently turn each egg individually.

Not to mention just the set-up of having one incubator, a metre off the ground so those precious eggs can fall and be smashed to pieces, is a little peculiar. Where are all the other eggs being incubated? Where are there a dozen raptor eggs being incubated when they've had so many problems just having three raptors around? The questions raised here are endless!

Wait... What Are Those Electric Cars Attached To?

I'm calling shenanigans on this! We're told the cars are running on tracks. We see them move without a driver, we see the tracks underneath them - so imagine my surprise when I noticed watching the movie this time around that there's actually nothing connecting the cars to the tracks. Go on, look at every picture you can find. I saw the cars from multiple angels in three dimensions and I'm telling you: Nothing is connecting them to the track. So apparently Hammond cut costs on security so he could buy magic cars...

Why Does the CGI Look So Good?

This is just something that I will always find mysterious: Jurassic Park was the first movie to really go to town with computer generated images, and yet somehow the CGI in it looks more believable than most of the CGI coming out today. I don't really have anything else to add... That fact just sort of amazes me.

Thursday, December 15, 2011

Miracle on 34th Street

Of course, I'm talking about the original. I have a lot of thoughts on the remake, but they are far too scathing and long-winded to put in here. So let's talk about the Christmas movie. Let's face it, it may not be everyone's favourite, but it is without a doubt the best one out there. It has influenced every single Christmas movie to come after, with its message about commercialism, faith, the magic of childhood. Hell, even Bad Santa took from here (the drunk Santa at the beginning, lol).

My favourite scene is when Kris starts speaking Dutch to the little girl.

Tuesday, December 13, 2011

Bad(der) Santa

An instant classic in my books. When I saw this in theatres I knew I hadn't seen the last of it. In fact, this movie has worked its way into my family's vocabulary; it isn't uncommon for someone to get a present from Bad Santa come Christmas. It's a hard sell for a Christmas movie: alcoholic man poses as Santa in hopes of robbing a mall, and takes advantage of a child by moving into his house and allowing him to believe that he's the real Santa. He's just the worse kind of asshole and the best kind of anti-hero and the fact that it has one of the most heart-warming endings is a true sign of talented filmmakers.

Monday, December 12, 2011

The Simpsons: Holidays of Future Passed

This years Simpsons' Christmas special was surprisingly good. I say this mostly because I haven't really watched this show in years and last time I did it wasn't that funny, but this particular episode reminded me of the good ol' days, when there was a lot of humour and heart mixed together. Also, I've always been fond of the future episodes. There's not a whole lot to say about this one, other than I ended up watching it twice and it got funnier the second time because there were a lot of jokes in this episode and you won't catch them the first time around, so there's a lot of re-watch value for future holidays.

Sunday, December 11, 2011

Joyeux Noel

This is not a feel-good holiday movie, this will probably do little more than depress the hell out of you, but I can't recommend it enough. It's such a moving story, and it's true. I mean, not completely true, but there was a cease-fire called during Christmas in WWI and I can imagine that what went down was probably pretty close to this movie's version. What I really love about this movie is that it's about humanity, it's about the bonds we chose to build and destroy between each other and why we do it and to what end. It's just fantastic. Also, it's pronounced "jwhy-uh no-elle." I never realized people couldn't pronounce this until I heard the Nostalgia Critic attempt to say it.

Saturday, December 10, 2011

Rudolph the Red-Nose Reindeer

This might be the one Christmas special that everyon is familiar with. It's based on the song, of course, which was based on a add-campaign (which you might not know). It's imagery has been co copied and parodied over the years that it's hard for me to know if I've ever actually seen this before. It doesn't really hold up all that well though. I mean, I can't really stand any of the songs, but I guess the charm of this is more the look of it, the silly puns, and the wacky characters - and of course it has a nice moral. It's a classic, but it's not my favourite.

Some of the parodies on the other hand though...